Gains and Losses
by ERfan4eva
Summary: Instead of Lucy dying on that renound Valentine's Day, Carter dies...yet, he is not really gone for good. His Ghost remains, haunting the halls of Cook County General ER, beinging unlikely couples closer together! (Is PG so far...)


Lucy dragged herself through the doors of Cook County General ER. It had already been a month since ' the incident ' but each day in the hospital made it worse and worse. The scene went through her head again and again, like a movie persistently stuck on a loop. If only she done this or done that--Carter would still be alive  
  
She walked into the lounge, still in a daze, thinking about Carter and the past...  
  
Dave Malucci was looking at the Locker. His best friend he had made at the hospital when he first started had died a while ago and he couldn't take it. Carter was gone. He then looked up and saw Lucy enter. "Hey Lucy" he said to her.  
  
"Hi" she said in a week voice....her spirits just were not the same since the stabbing, and she felt like everyone blamed her for what had happened, even though they would never admit to it. Carter was loved at County, and he was now gone--because of her  
  
"Lucy, are you ok?' Dave Asked?  
  
"Same as always" Lucy said, her eyes not leaving the floor. She walked over to the pot of coffee and pored herself a cup. She had never drank coffee until recently, she needed to now--- ever since Carter was gone, she had been having terrible nightmares, and insomnia  
  
"Lucy, look at me" Dave said to her  
  
Lucy put down the cup of coffee and turned towards Dave, her eyes staring directly at him, but with a gaze that seemed to go through him  
  
Dave looked at her. "Are you sure you're ok?" he asked he was concerned about her.  
  
"Really---I am fine" she said, somewhat snapping at him. She didn't mean to be so uptight, but she didn't really know what to do anymore. It was so hard to even get through each day with Carter gone, not to mention the fact that she still had occasional shooting back pains....  
  
Dave looked at her stunned. He cared about Lucy. He worried about her everyday. "Lucy I'm sorry" he said.  
  
"I don't know what you are sorry for...." she said in a quiet voice, her eyes once again dropping to the floor..."I...I have to go..." she said, leaving the lounge.  
  
***  
  
Kerry was sitting at the admit desk. Things were still so silent with Carter gone. She saw a woman she recognized and it was Anna.  
  
Anna walked into the ER, not knowing what to expect on her first day back. Things had not worked out for her in Philly, so she decided to return to county. As she walked in through the main doorway, she recognized Dr. Weaver sitting at admit.  
  
Dave watched her (Lucy) leave. "Lucy wait, Lucy" he said rushing out after her. "What happened to you and Carter isn't your fault" he said out loud, in the hallway.  
  
Kerry smiled gently at Anna. "Anna welcome back" she said quietly as Dave Mentioned John  
  
"I...I can't talk about this right now!" Lucy said.... running out into the ambulance bay.  
  
Anna watched a young girl run out into the Ambulance bay, followed by an attractive male doctor. She wondered what that was all about, but knew better then to pry---but had they said something about Carter? Anna's mind traveled as she though about John carter. She had been hoping he was still working at County.  
  
"Thanks" Anna said to Dr. Weaver, her mind on Carter  
  
"You're welcome Anna" She said. "That's Lucy Knight a fourth year Med . Student finishing this week and she then graduates" She said. Why did Carter have to die now. Kerry thought to herself.  
  
"Oh..." said Anna, not really sure why Kerri was telling her all this....but she just smiled and nodded  
  
"So how are you" she asked the young woman?  
  
Anna took a deep breath "Fine" she said  
  
Things had been rough in Philly...she found out the hard way that her 'true love' did not really love her as much as she though he did, her job was terrible and she was overall really unhappy there. So, she decided to pack up and start a new (or a re-new so to say) back in Chicago. But she was not about to tell Kerri Weaver all that!  
  
"Anna there's something I need to tell you" She said to her silently  
  
Anna gave Kerri a strange look, not knowing what she was about to say. "Alright..." she said, with a worried look on her face  
  
***  
  
"Let's go talk in the lounge" She said as they went in there. She looked where Carters locker was, where his name had been taken off.  
  
Anna followed hesitantly....she didn't know what Kerri was going to say. Anna's heart began to beat faster and faster. Maybe Kerri was telling her that she did not have a place for Anna to work anymore......Anna sat down, shaking. She really did not want to lose her job on the first day  
  
Anna, John Left us a few months ago" She said starting it out that way.  
  
Ok....so it wasn't about her job, it was about John. Kerri must have known that Anna and he were close. Anna was a bit upset she would not be able to work with John anymore--- He must have gotten a better job offer, somewhere else...  
  
"Carter died on valentines day" Kerry said sadly  
  
"WHAT?" Anna said in astonishment. She could not believe what she was saying. "He....he....he died?" Anna tried to hold back tears  
  
"A psyche patient stabbed him and his med. student" She said.  
  
Anna just sat their, in disbelief. How could she have not found out about this........how could he be gone?  
  
"He's gone Anna" She said. "Come here with me" she said leading Anna to a hallway where there were flowers and cards and picture of John. "Carter, Anna is here" she said. Kerry had been stunned by his ghost a few weeks ago.  
  
Anna was still in disbelief, but also though Kerri was off her rocker....why was she speaking to carter?  
  
"Thanks..." Said Anna, hoping Kerry would just leave her alone with her thought for a moment  
  
Kerry left Anna knowing the feeling. She left Anna there alone.  
  
Anna sat there, looking at the photos and the flowers, and started to cry. She could not believe he was gone. When she left, she had gone knowing that he had feelings for her and doing nothing about it. leaving him for Max, a man who ended up breaking her heart to pieces. Why hadn't she stayed....why hadn't she ever told Carter how much he had ment to her? Why did he have to be gone?  
  
Carter blew her a kiss. He was glad to see her, but he didn't want to show himself yet. It took him a few nights to do it with Kerry  
  
She sat, thinking about all the good times her and Carter had had together...He had performed minor surgery on her just because she felt scared to have anyone else do it....he had invited her to the ER banquet, where they danced the night away....he had been the only real friend she had in Chicago, and now he was gone. She picked up one of the photo's of him, and stared at it for a moment, seeing him smiling at her, she gently kissed the photo and put it back  
  
Carter smiled and then decided to put his hand on her shoulder gently. Even though it was cold to the touch  
  
As Anna placed the photo back down, chills ran down her spine. She gazed behind her, to see nothing but an empty hallway. She wiped away the tears still dripping down her cheeks  
  
Mark was pasting by. "Anna" he said as he looked at Carter's photos and all. "I guess Kerry told you right" he said as another bouquet of flowers was put down. These were from his last patient of that night.  
  
Anna gave Mark a sad smile and then looked back at the photo's of Carter. She just needed some more time-----  
  
"I'll go" Mark said to her.  
  
Anna sat there for another moment, in front of the memorial, slight tears running down her face, her eyes closed, grasping a photo of him tightly....trying to remember all the good times they had had together  
  
Carter hugged her gently as she grasped his photo. He would show her him later. But let this first sink in, he thought this self to himself.  
  
Again, Anna got the feeling of chills running up and down her spine. She wiped a tar from her eye, and pulled her sweater closer to her body, still grasping Carter's photo  
  
Carter took her and kissed her hand  
  
Anna's hand began to shake....she was really starting to get freaked out. Was she losing her mind....she leaned up against the wall next to the memorial for support, closing her eyes once again  
  
Carter gently let hugged her.  
  
Anna felt as though she were in a trance....  
  
Carter blew her a kiss. But he now had to go. But not with a whisper ''see you" whispered and left  
  
Anna could swear she heard Carter's voice through the air and she didn't know what it was, but something was so calming at that moment.  
  
*** "Lucy, Listen this is not your fault" Dave said  
  
Lucy sitting on a bench in the ambulance bay, her head in her hands, turned away from Dave with embarrassment and dismay  
  
Dave came and sat next to her. "Have you though of talking to someone Lucy, I mean about this" he asked her  
  
Lucy knew that she couldn't talk to some shrink---that practically was the cause of Carter's Death...mental illness and her inability to do the right thing when faced with a patient with a mental illness...if she had only seen the signs sooner...  
  
Dave looked at her. "Lucy I'm here to listen if you need it." he said.  
  
Lucy turned and looked at him. She opened her mouth; as though to speak, but then shut it again---she just couldn't get the words out...there was no way for her to express the guilt and remorse she felt  
  
Dave looked at her and just hugged her and held her. "Listen Lucy, I want to be your friend. But if your not going to let me know what's bothering you. How can I help" he said showing a different side of himself then the norm.  
  
Lucy could not believe how open Dave was being towards her. She had never seen this side of him, something about him made her feel safe... She hugged him back, laying her head on his shoulder and letting all the tears she was holding in flow down her cheeks.  
  
Dave just held her for the longest time and let her cry. Usually he would be thrilled to have a woman do this. But Lucy was different.  
  
Lucy cried and cried, embarrassed to be sitting there for so long, wrapped in Dave's arms, crying like a young child, but almost relieved to get all her emotions off her chest  
  
"Its ok "he said to her."Just let it out Lucy" he said. "Lucy, have you been up to visit his grave yet?" He asked her curiously.  
  
Lucy shuttered at the thought. She had wanted to visit carter's grave, pay her respects, but she couldn't find the strength to go there...she shuttered once again and slowly nodded a solemn and sad no  
  
Dave looked at her. "Let's go there now" he said to her. "I think the chief will understand" he said to her. He looked at her. He knew she needed to see his grave to get past this.  
  
"I don't know" Lucy said hesitantly, feeling as though her legs had turned to jelly and her body to stone, unable to move from her spot on the bench, "I don't know if I can..." her voice trailed off "I'll come with you "Dave said to her."I'll drive you up there" he said  
  
"I...I..." she hesitated. Just the thought of going to where Carter was buried, confirming the fact that he was really gone, she wasn't sure she would do it...even if Dave was there, at her side for support  
  
*** Dave took Lucy hand in hand, as they walked up to the path. They had finally made it to Carters grave. "Hey man, were finally here to visit your grave" he said as he put his flowers on the grave. He waited for Lucy to speak  
  
Lucy tried to speak, but no words came out. She had a million thoughts rushing thru her head, but it was as though she had forgotten how to form words....  
  
Carter had left Anna, as he felt there were presences at his grave, He saw Dave and Lucy there. He knew it was her first visit. He gently touched her letting her know it was ok and to let her know to let it out.  
  
Then, it was as though something...someone had reached down inside of her and was pushing all of her hidden emotions out. With unbridled passion, Lucy burst into tears, almost unaware of Dave presence as she spoke to the grave. "I should have been more responsible, I should have seen the signs, I should have gotten him restrained...I should be the one buried under 5 feet of dirt, not you Carter....I wish you were here, so I could tell you how much you taught me, how even though we fought, I valued your friendship. I am so sorry that I let you down, I failed you, and now look at where you are, it is all because of me."  
  
she bent down, moving her hand along the grave stone and the dirt, "this is because of me...I am so sorry" and there she sat, in tears  
  
Carter felt the tears in his eyes as well. "No that's not true Lucy, it's not your fault" he said. He wanted to be with them so much again. "You never let me down, I should be the one to blame" he said "You're a great doctor Lucy" he said whispering it.  
  
Dave watched as Lucy let her emotions go  
  
Lucy could feel Dave huddled next to her...his own tears dropping onto her shoulder. A cold wind blew as the two of them sat before the grave, crying, letting their emotions go...  
  
"Did you feel someone touch you Lucy?" He asked her as he felt someone put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
Lucy glanced at Dave, tears still welled in her eyes..."no" she whispered  
  
Carter then went over and pulled Lucy into a hug. A tight hug. Even though they couldn't see him, he was there for her.  
  
Lucy felt this overwhelming feeling all of the sudden.....she glanced at Dave "did you feel that?" she asked, half panicked and half comforted  
  
"Yea like you were lifted off of the ground" he said to her  
  
"Yes...this uplifting feeling" she said....  
  
"Can we please go?" she asked Dave, now becoming a bit frightened  
  
"Yea, yea." He said to her as he started getting up.  
  
"Thanks" she said, whispering into this ear, holding his hand tightly. She was shaking again, the sun was setting, and an eerie mist was dawning on the graveyard...  
  
"Your welcome" Dave said to her  
  
Carter whispered in Lucy's ears. "Don't go please Lucy, I'm lonely with out you" he said  
  
Lucy almost jumped out of her skin...she thought she had heard a voice behind her. She looked around panicked, huddled next to Dave for protection...  
  
"What is it Lucy?" he asked her Lucy shook her head, "nothing...I just don't like graveyards..." she said, walking faster towards Dave's Car  
  
"I know what you mean, they give me the creeps" he said as they made it to his car.  
  
Lucy climbed to the car the shut the door, breathing a sigh of relief...  
  
"Ok, that was creepy" Dave said  
  
Lucy nodded  
  
*** Luka Kovac walked down the hall, He saw a woman sitting at the memoriam site for Carter. He knew he was a brave young doctor. "Hello, Ma'm are you ok?" He asked in his thick Croatian voice.  
  
Anna opened her eyes from her moment of tranquility to find a dark, tall and handsome man with a thick accent standing before her "yes..." Anna said softly, wiping the last of her tears from her eyes  
  
"From the way I can see. You know him?" he asked her. "Yes" Anna said again, "I knew him"  
  
"I knew him for a short time, but he welcomed me with a kind heart here" he said to her.  
  
"Carter was like that" Anna said with a sigh "warm and kind hearted...I wish he was still here...."  
  
"So do I, we came to be good friends. He was also very quite skillful doctor I ever worked with" he said to her  
  
"he was..." Anna began to once again reminisce about the past...thinking about the first time she had met Carter, how many lives he had probably saved in his lifetime, and how he had helped her to get over her own fear of medical procedures...  
  
"How long did you know him?" he asked her  
  
"I worked here a while ago" she said, snapping gout of her daydreaming, "I knew him about 2 years, but when I left here, we sort of lost touch...."  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way" he said to her  
  
"It is alright...." Anna said, trying not to feel too sorry for herself, "I just whish I was able to say goodbye...."  
  
"We all do wish that" he said to her. He had never gotten to say goodbye to his family  
  
Anna nodded, her lips purged together, trying not to one again burst into a frenzy of water works  
  
"I'm sorry; would you like me to leave you alone for a moment?" Luka asked her  
  
Anna didn't know what to say....she had been sitting there alone for quite some time, and she really didn't feel like being alone anymore. "No, that's alright" Anna said, "I figure the longer I sit talking to you, the less opportunity I have to cry...." she said, almost managing to reveal a small smile  
  
Luka loved her smile. It was so ravishing to look at her when she smiled. "Ok, May I ask your name, what is it?" he asked her  
  
Anna blushed, "Anna.....Anna DelAmico"  
  
"Nice to meet you Anna DelAmico, my names Luka Kovac" he said sticking his hand out to shake hers.  
  
Anna leaned forward, shaking his hand. He has such large and firm hands, with a strong, tight grip...for that one instance they touched, Anna almost felt relaxed, safe... It was like a spark when he touched her hand. He could tell she had a soft and gentle soul. But also firm; firm and strong. It was like he could sense she was a strong person also.  
  
There was a moment of silence; a lull...both did not know what to say to one another  
  
He just sat there with her silently. "I have something to show you" he said to her, breaking the silence  
  
Anna looked at him with a perplexed face  
  
"There's more then this wall of his memory" he said to her. "There's a slideshow of him, if you want to see it?"  
  
"A slideshow?" Anna asked, in curiosity  
  
"It is in memory of Carter; Dr. Greene decided to do one. So everyone could remember him." He explained  
  
Anna followed Luka to a little back room, an old exam room Anna presumed, that had all the windows covered by dark shades and a projector with a screen set up. Anna took a seat on a gurney set up across from the screen, Luka seating himself next to her.  
  
Luka started the screen for her to see. It started off with a very young and nervous carter. He watched as Anna looked at that picture. What was she thinking of it.  
  
Anna looked at ht pictures of Carter, even before she knew him. He was so straight edge...never wanting to break a rule or do anything wrong.... she remembered how she would taunt him about being a little rich boy....  
  
Luka switched to another picture of carter. This picture was with a guy he never recognized.  
  
Anna then saw a picture of Carter standing with Doug.....she had heard that Carol and him were living happily in Seattle. she was happy for them...she just only wished she could find love like the love Carol and Doug had together...the kind of love that hurt when the two were apart, the kind of love that makes a person want to be with their soul mate for the rest of their lives...  
  
Luka switched to another picture. He didn't recognize it. But this time he saw Anna at a table smiling happily.  
  
Anna had concealed her tears well enough until this slide.....it was from the ER banquet. She closed her eyes for a second, and it was as though she was there again! She remembered how Carter was so shy asking her to the dance, and how she almost didn't go because of her Bone marrow donation, and the smile on Carter's face--how he lit up the room when she entered. She felt sick to her stomach. How could she have been thinking about her own petty romantic life when poor Carter never even had a chance to fulfill his....  
  
Luka looked over at Anna. He couldn't resist. He just took her in his arms to hold her gently.  
  
Anna was in shock by this gesture. For a moment, she almost tried to pull away, afraid of these emotions that were filling the air...she when she felt his strong yet gentle arms grasp her tightly, she felt safe, protected from death and all the evils of the world  
  
Luka just held her as she let go her emotions. 


End file.
